I am trying to clear my plate, as I have a few things which require my full attention for the next month. But looking around there are huge amounts of work I have to deal with. So I set out, optimistically, thinking it's just my own lack of initiative which has caused this. I send off an email, another, another - soon I have sent off a long list of emails, and I am ready to deal with the responses and get things over with.
Nothing.
OK... let's try something else. I have more work coming up. I write a suggestion for things that needs to be done within a certain date, as that's an absolute last deadline, and bring this up at the nearest meeting. These are things that concern more than me, and if I am to be involved, the proposed schedule is important - I do know how much work both I and they have to deal with. I get a thank you for the initiative, and I settle happily back, reassured that the responsible parties will understand the importance of getting on with things.
Nothing.
Right. I am now running out of things that I can initiate. In the mean time I have not been sitting around with my hands in my lap, I have been responding to an endless stream of requests for work that urgently needs to be done, ideas that need to be discussed, decisions which need to be made, projects that need to be finished. I really have enough work, I just need to get those other things out of my life, and it's not like I can do anything until I get a response, is there? So I work my ass off (like everybody else), while waiting for some kind of response which will let me finish the stuff I feel responsible for.
Nothing.
Well - I need to finish something. I really do. If only to feel that I am not absolutely useless. So I try to get private matters in order. I have a family which needs to be part of this though, I can't just go ahead and make decisions over their heads, barging into their private space to clean up, to change, to organise, to fullfill my own needs for achievement. So I try to agree with them when to do things, what to do, in what order, how to start preparing, what they need to do and what I need to do so we can actually get those extremely mundane tasks which we all know about and we are all responsible for, done.
Nothing.
What is wrong with this? The problem is that I am so dependent on so many people, I have gotten involved in too much with too many, and I also tend to say "yes" rather than "no" when others need help. So rather than pushing, demanding attention and crying for help with my stuff, here, now, I have been waiting for others to realise that they need to involve themselves, and in the mean time been helping everywhere. Now I am totally spent, drowning in unfinished tasks, accused of being unable to finish the simplest of them, and feeling like it is true. Then somebody asks what they can do to help. The horrible thing is, with what I have gotten me into, the answer is...
Nothing.
Well, there are still some things I can do. I am taking a break now, for lunch, and then for about an hour, which will be spent cleaning the living room. If I am going to sit around all alone being stressed and miserable about things I have failed to finish, at least I can do that in a tidy room.
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3 comments:
Ei forvirra "husmor" i vill fart over stovegolv og rundt hytto etter hund, katt og rotter. Englebarna tar det med ro, og når endeleg den sure hannkatten og den vetle kvalpen er utslitt og eg trur det er pause....kjem eit skada lam forbi. I heile tatt...Men no er det kveld, NRK underheldt engleborna med "ekstremsportsveko" og eg kik inn i verdsveven som blei montert inn i mitt hytteparadis. Stor stas! Og der dukkar du opp. Eg har tenkt på deg stundom, fordi det høyrdes så spanande ut det du sa du dreiv med sist vi møttes. (Sist vi møttes var på hotel Norge i Bergen - eg anar ikkje kva årstallet var, men trur det var sånn 93/94 fordi eg var temmeleg utslitt på den tida - aleinemor med to veldig små barn,- så eg var slett ikkje ein god samtalepartnar på den tida - ikkje er vel det blitt betre med åra heller..) Men grunnen til at ei utsleten aleinemor var på hotel Norge saman med deg og mange andre var at vi hadde spelt i Larmonien for lenge, lenge sidan. Eg har brukt ein del år av mitt liv i Kringkastningen - men nett no er eg medielærar på John Bauergymnaset i Bergen. Eg forstår du har det travelt - men trur du at eg kan leige deg inn som forelesar i veke 41 på skulen vår? I veke 41 skal vi bruke heile veka på "Fokus på kropp og sjel" Du har så utruleg mykje bra :-) God sommar til deg med helsing Anne-Lene Viken (den raudhåra kornettisten) - Korleis det går med lammet ? - eg har ringt til mange bønder i Steinsdalen, men eg skal halda auge med situasjonen :-)
PS - gløymde å sei dette. Om du vil, fjellet er vakkert - heimen er vill. Hjarteleg velkommen med telt og sovepose om du vil :-)
Klem frå anne-Lene
Hei Anne Lene
Takk for sist, det er lenge siden det!
Dessverre er det ikke så enkelt å delta på ting til høsten, for jeg skal være i Sverige (Umeå) i ett år - hvis ingen ting annet skjer. Jeg må i alle fall vente med å svare.
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