Friday, June 03, 2005

The taste of tears

Do you ever spend days, when you cry for no reason at all? This spring has been so cold, so late, so cruel and so fraught with conflict, filled with work conflicting with work, responsibilities I cannot fulfil and loved ones I cannot be everything for. It has all hit me this week, when I was supposed to be away from it all and on top of it all. And so I have watched the screen blur, and I have had no idea why, why can't I just write, why can't I just do, why can't I just act?

I am far away from most of it, and as the load lightens, there is space for my despair to peek through the cracks again. But I have this tube of superglue, and as I write I am repairing myself, tightening it all up and wiping the tears away. It's just salt water anyway, and soon I will have finished one more thing on my list, and then one more and then one more until I can start breathing again.

This is pathetic, isn't it? Well, sometimes, I am pretty pathetic. I'll be back to being professional and professorial later.


Corvus said...

It might not be professional, but it's very human. Take comfort in knowing that you're not the only one going through some of that. I've been barely keeping it together for a few months now.

Torill said...

Thank you Corvuse, it is always good to know I am not a freak. And it is amazing what people do to keep things together, isn't it? But we do it and things keep getting done and we come out at the other side and look back, amazed!

Loren said...

Being a "man," I only hit the tears stage once trying to meet all of these demands, but I can remember often trying to resist the depression that crept up on me with an increasing workload that never seemed to lessen.

Cayzle said...

I hope it will help to know that your blog is a part of my daily routine, and that you are doing wonderful work that means a lot to people.

I put my own blog on hiatus when my daughter was born three months premature, and I just returned to it. I guess I say that to let you know that if you are juggling too many balls, you *can* set one down from time to time, and you can pick it up again later.

It is good to let the veneer crack from time to time. Don't worry about being "pathetic" -- like corvuse said, it is more human than anything else.

Torill said...

Thanks Loren and Cayzle - I guess if what I do was not important to people, it wouldn't matter if I did it, so this is all just a confirmation of how great I am, right?

Wish I could manage to believe that :)

Anyway, first big heavy thing is about to be finished, and the rest will come smoothly bit by bit next week until I am all done before I go home to check my snail mail box in Norway.

Jill said...


Doesn't actually sound like you've got "no reason at all", but rather like the final straw that broke the camel's back...

It's really hard finding a balance between taking care of everything that has to be done and taking care of yourself.

I hope you find some peace and pleasure soon!

Torill said...

Hugs right back at you Jill. Yes, I guess. Don't know what did it though. What straw was the one that was too much?

As for fun, well, I still have a week to go, and I am in one of my favourite places!